no title

Sorry all, I didn’t write any while my blog stats peaked the most visitor numbers. It’s because all the fuss about me and vitamin having sex, yeah anyways condom…..

I have to admit that I had so much fun with V, had dinner so many times, reading same book together, some medical procedure and of course, one more CONDOM sex. Skipped BJJ class many times because It’s more fun to be with V than learn new chokes, It’s… dangerous. Moving my interest from BJJ to vitamin isn’t so good feeling since I was kind of, starting to realise how, how weak I was… (fuck you English) I broke up with ex, I thought I’m gonna die, luckily found something really fun, focused on so I don’t give a fuck about boysssss, then now what. ANOTHER ONE?

We both agree to statement of cool-kinda relationship, We are not like a girlfriend, boyfriend even though we often make jokes about “genuine GFE” stuffs.. ㅋㅋㅋ

I then now, got scared shit out of some weird feeling.

He’s like…. one of the most practical person ever I’ve met. Not sure it’s appropriate way to describe him but he’s like a robot. (maybe sex botㅋ) He possibly, has some emotion but from my point of view, He can control it. Not a day dreamer, will power is like mad, He will do no matter what, if he wants to do. There’s no fairy tale.

I asked him last night, “WHY YOU TOO GOOD TO ME” and he goes “Maybe I’m bored, maybe lonely or maybe I like you. Maybe because I think you are fun girl so I want to be a friend?”

That means, whenever He thinks I’m not fun anymore, whenever He’s not bored, Maybe he goes like “Hey Xmas I’m getting married tomorrow, I can’t hang with you anymore, bye” He will leave me. No matter how I feel, he’s leaving. because He wants to.

I don’t want to give me a chance to fall deep again and collapse like crazy, like I did it last time. I thought that if I meet him less, if I message him less would help? no.. guess it’s too late!

Then I thought, if it’s too late.. what can be done for minimising mental collapsing..

Then I thought, Why I was collapsed so bad, when the previous one left me

ugh, Long story short, I always looked for someone who I can rely on, always looked for someone I can whining about life, always looked for someone who I can belong to so I can feel secure. but the first and foremost, I just didn’t want to be alone.

Because I was, whole last 20 years. I was always alone when I was little, chose to be alone when I was teenager since I heard girls, talking about my mum changing her boyfriend like every month, I.. I pretended ok, pretended stronger than them and pretended don’t give a damn about it but I was very very very very very upset to be honest. You may think it’s lame to be a working lady. However, compare to what I heard from people, talk behind of me about my family is much much much much lame because I chose to be a working lady, though, My family thing wasn’t my choice or my fault.. right? why people treat me differently because my mum cheat, and my dad left 🙁 man this is still upsetting me! it’s unfair because the people who talked about me and my stuff don’t even remember what they did and I’m still struggling from this 씨발..ㅎㅎ눈물 좀 닦고.

Anyway, whether I chose to be alone, or people (include my mum and dad) left me, I was always alone and thought I need someone to compensate this. If only I can make some excuses. (maybe I was just born like needy AF, who knows) Never wanted a big group of friends but boy friend. I wanted to be lovedALL THE TIME.

So then… it made me feel like,

  • Maybe He doesn’t love me as much as before when I didn’t fuck him yet.
  • Why I love him this much but he gave me back not even half of it?
  • He does’t seem to love me anymore
  • Why am I the only one who loves, not YOU
  • HOW DARE YOU, DON’T YOU LOVE ME

 

How many times I made mistake to realise this? I mean… How many times I fucked up my relationships because I care too much about … the “sense of belonging” or, the “feeling of be loved”. It wouldn’t have happened, if I realise a bit earlier 🙁 but well, maybe some people never realise!

whatever

OK, so… back to the topic.. (I scrolled up, had a look, forgot what I was talking about)

the question was, what can be done for minimising mental collapsing.. (imagining vitamin is getting married tomorrow)

Number one. Admit the fact that the guys, are not be able to fill the lack of “sense of belonging”, or “feeling of be loved”

then what actually helps to fill up my damn flaws?

well, thinking about the time once I was crazy about BJJ, I never thought that life is tragic, life sucks because the ecstacy of winning was big, the joy of sweating together with healthy people was huge.. I was so busy at either training, or watching youtube video about BJJ. Everyone who I met that time, told me I look so much healthier, and happier than ever. The achievement, it could be my toned body, could be my skills, the achievement!!! Make a goal so I can chase it, keep doing little things so it eventually make difference, draw a big picture!!!!! You live only once, have fun as much as you can but don’t harm people, …

Isn’t blogging amazing? Like.. you sometimes fall deep shit and think think think and think again and eventually you are tired of thinking and like “whatever”.

The joy of blogging is this. You can tidy up your messy inside of your head, so you are less chaos now.

So yeah keep it up, remind I am not the only one who’s suffering, don’t be a weak pussy, admit that no one is perfect so I don’t have to fix all my problems but would be better if i improve it even a little,…

Wait. So what was the question again?

Answer :

do my best with the things I have now.

Then

Eventually

I’ll be fine after all.

No matter what was the question 🤷🏻‍♀️

And stop asking to myself

Use google

Maybe that’s easier and quicker

Finished! I finished it again

Comments 38

  1. Vitamin 02/08/2017

    Jerry has a HUGE case of “selective memory and hearing”

    I let it go with the “I chased her and bugged her to come out.”

    But

    “quote”
    Maybe I’m bored, maybe lonely or maybe I like you. Maybe because I think you are fun girl so I want to be a friend?”

    That means, whenever He thinks I’m not fun anymore, whenever He’s not bored, Maybe he goes like “Hey Xmas I’m getting married tomorrow, I can’t hang with you anymore, bye”
    “end quote”

    You forgot the Last few things i said.
    through your blog I fell in love with your persona your character and wanted to know you.
    Maybe you deserve to be treated nice.
    Maybe I really love your company and spending time with you.

    Why question when people are nice to you? why do i always feel like you think you’re not deserving of being treated nice? That when someone is nice to you, that there is an alternative motive?

    Your past aside. You are one of the most honest, authentic, genuinely nice, no hidden agenda, not selfish or ask for much and only accept when offered. Person I’ve met.
    Qualities believe it or not is quiet lacking in most girls.

    Are you perfect? no, But by far up there.

    Man, your blogs are so brutally honest.

    But after getting to know you, Your front and your blog are two different versions of you. And that’s why i loved Image #1 so much.
    A small gimps into your emotions.

  2. aa@aa.aa 01/08/2017

    Jerry has a HUGE case of “selective memory and hearing”
    I let it go with the “I chased her and bugged her to come out.”
    But
    “quote”
    Maybe I’m bored, maybe lonely or maybe I like you. Maybe because I think you are fun girl so I want to be a friend?”
    That means, whenever He thinks I’m not fun anymore, whenever He’s not bored, Maybe he goes like “Hey Xmas I’m getting married tomorrow, I can’t hang with you anymore, bye”
    “end quote”
    You forgot the Last few things i said.
    through your blog I fell in love with your persona your character and wanted to know you.
    Maybe you deserve to be treated nice.
    Maybe I really love your company and spending time with you.
    Why question when people are nice to you? why do i always feel like you think you’re not deserving of being treated nice? That when someone is nice to you, that there is an alternative motive?
    Your past aside. You are one of the most honest, authentic, genuinely nice, no hidden agenda, not selfish or ask for much and only accept when offered. Person I’ve met.
    Qualities believe it or not is quiet lacking in most girls.
    Are you perfect? no, But by far up there.
    Man, your blogs are so brutally honest.
    But after getting to know you, Your front and your blog are two different versions of you. And that’s why i loved Image #1 so much.
    A small gimps into your emotions.

    • rkwc86@hotmail.com 03/08/2017

      Because English is a cunt of a language haha. They’re/there/their, where/wear/ware, two/too/to, the list goes on. But I’m sure her mistake could easily be overlooked in this case.

      • bilbo@baggins.com 03/08/2017

        It wasn’t her mistake it was Vitamin. I’ve just noticed it with a lot os Asian people lol.
        Your examples such as wear/where/ware all sound the same. However quiet and quite are two distinct soundung words.
        Not a hack….just wondering.
        “37”

  3. Big country 02/08/2017

    You should think soon about getting married yourself. That would give you the security you want. You said it yourself, “youth and beauty don’t last. It’s not ornamental.”

  4. Anonymous 02/08/2017

    You should think soon about getting married yourself. That would give you the security you want. You said it yourself, “youth and beauty don’t last. It’s not ornamental.”

  5. rcha086 02/08/2017

    I don’t know much about you or Mr. V, but from both posts on the forum and the blog, it’s clear you guys like each other a lot. You guys seem to have placed a casual label to your relationship. Is Mr. V otherwise taken, in another relationship? Be more susceptible to change. Re-evaluate; a label can always be ripped off. You were hurt after your previous relationship fell apart; story of everyone’s lives. We’ve all been hurt before, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel happy and loved again. It’s not easy, but nothing that is worth doing or chasing for is ever easy. Be honest with each other, in person, not just through trivial means like this blog.

  6. rkwc86@hotmail.com 02/08/2017

    I don’t know much about you or Mr. V, but from both posts on the forum and the blog, it’s clear you guys like each other a lot. You guys seem to have placed a casual label to your relationship. Is Mr. V otherwise taken, in another relationship? Be more susceptible to change. Re-evaluate; a label can always be ripped off. You were hurt after your previous relationship fell apart; story of everyone’s lives. We’ve all been hurt before, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel happy and loved again. It’s not easy, but nothing that is worth doing or chasing for is ever easy. Be honest with each other, in person, not just through trivial means like this blog.

  7. G$$ 02/08/2017

    Christmas.
    You ask some deep questions of yourself.
    And you have answered some of them already.
    For example:
    “Why I was collapsed so bad, when the previous one left me”.
    Not many people will have the awareness to ask this question and will go on forever making the same mistake. Of those that do ask, not many will have the courage to find the answer. You have done both and this speaks wonders for your character and the woman you have grown to be, regardless of your past. The more I read your blog and your posts on the forums (both current and dated from your working days) it is obvious to me that you are a very honest, fun, strong, courageous and resilient woman. I can see why Vitamin sought you out.

    Don’t limit yourself just because you don’t know some of the answers. If you and vitamin really do enjoy each others company and would like to take it further then why not. I agree with rchao86, the label can always be changed.

    As for ‘minimising mental collapsing’.
    The fact that you are aware that it may happen again, have identified the core reasons behind the previous collapse and how you dealt with the previous time as well (BJJ). All this means the next time will already be minimised. There will always be hurt after a breakup, but you have proved already that you can recover.
    I like your answer
    ‘do my best with the things I have now.
    Then
    Eventually
    I’ll be fine after all’

    However, never stop asking yourself these questions. It is how we grow and improve ourselves to become the best person we can be. Google won’t have the answers you seek for your personal life.

    PS: sorry if I used to many big English words. Feel free to use Google for meanings lol.
    This blog post definitely has some wierd English going on. But don’t let that stop you. Reading your blogs has been fun.

    • Chelsea 02/08/2017

      I can tell you have picked easier words for me ☺️ for better understanding ☺️☺️ Thank you! It’s good to read feedback, maybe better than write.. I learn so many things everyday from everywhere, Could it be pay-back? If I write more interesting stories if you’re enjoying my blog. 정말 너무 감사해서 어떻게 표현해야 할 지 잘 모르겠어요. (ask to any of your Korean friend what does that mean! means literally thanks but it’s more serious version of thanks) you’ve never even seen me before and trying to cheer me up 🙁 it’s really nice of you.

      • G$$ 05/08/2017

        Your ‘thank you’ is more than enough thanks Christmas, I am happy that you got some value from my response. 🙂

        PS. I hope I was given a good translation.

  8. Anonymous 02/08/2017

    Christmas.You ask some deep questions of yourself.
    And you have answered some of them already.
    For example:
    “Why I was collapsed so bad, when the previous one left me”.
    Not many people will have the awareness to ask this question and will go on forever making the same mistake. Of those that do ask, not many will have the courage to find the answer. You have done both and this speaks wonders for your character and the woman you have grown to be, regardless of your past. The more I read your blog and your posts on the forums (both current and dated from your working days) it is obvious to me that you are a very honest, fun, strong, courageous and resilient woman. I can see why Vitamin sought you out.
    Don’t limit yourself just because you don’t know some of the answers. If you and vitamin really do enjoy each others company and would like to take it further then why not. I agree with rchao86, the label can always be changed.
    As for ‘minimising mental collapsing’.
    The fact that you are aware that it may happen again, have identified the core reasons behind the previous collapse and how you dealt with the previous time as well (BJJ). All this means the next time will already be minimised. There will always be hurt after a breakup, but you have proved already that you can recover.
    I like your answer
    ‘do my best with the things I have now.
    Then
    Eventually
    I’ll be fine after all’
    However, never stop asking yourself these questions. It is how we grow and improve ourselves to become the best person we can be. Google won’t have the answers you seek for your personal life.
    PS: sorry if I used to many big English words. Feel free to use Google for meanings lol.
    This blog post definitely has some wierd English going on. But don’t let that stop you. Reading your blogs has been fun.

    • 01jun1988@gmail.com 02/08/2017

      I can tell you have picked easier words for me ☺️ for better understanding ☺️☺️ Thank you! It’s good to read feedback, maybe better than write.. I learn so many things everyday from everywhere, Could it be pay-back? If I write more interesting stories if you’re enjoying my blog. 정말 너무 감사해서 어떻게 표현해야 할 지 잘 모르겠어요. (ask to any of your Korean friend what does that mean! means literally thanks but it’s more serious version of thanks) you’ve never even seen me before and trying to cheer me up 🙁 it’s really nice of you.

      • Anonymous 04/08/2017

        Your ‘thank you’ is more than enough thanks Christmas, I am happy that you got some value from my response. 🙂
        PS. I hope I was given a good translation.

    • rcha086 03/08/2017

      Because English is a cunt of a language haha. They’re/there/their, where/wear/ware, two/too/to, the list goes on. But I’m sure her mistake could easily be overlooked in this case.

      • Snowball 03/08/2017

        It wasn’t her mistake it was Vitamin. I’ve just noticed it with a lot os Asian people lol.

        Your examples such as wear/where/ware all sound the same. However quiet and quite are two distinct soundung words.

        Not a hack….just wondering.

        “37”

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