Sorry all, I didn’t write any while my blog stats peaked the most visitor numbers. It’s because all the fuss about me and vitamin having sex, yeah anyways condom…..
I have to admit that I had so much fun with V, had dinner so many times, reading same book together, some medical procedure and of course, one more CONDOM sex. Skipped BJJ class many times because It’s more fun to be with V than learn new chokes, It’s… dangerous. Moving my interest from BJJ to vitamin isn’t so good feeling since I was kind of, starting to realise how, how weak I was… (fuck you English) I broke up with ex, I thought I’m gonna die, luckily found something really fun, focused on so I don’t give a fuck about boysssss, then now what. ANOTHER ONE?
We both agree to statement of cool-kinda relationship, We are not like a girlfriend, boyfriend even though we often make jokes about “genuine GFE” stuffs.. ㅋㅋㅋ
I then now, got scared shit out of some weird feeling.
He’s like…. one of the most practical person ever I’ve met. Not sure it’s appropriate way to describe him but he’s like a robot. (maybe sex botㅋ) He possibly, has some emotion but from my point of view, He can control it. Not a day dreamer, will power is like mad, He will do no matter what, if he wants to do. There’s no fairy tale.
I asked him last night, “WHY YOU TOO GOOD TO ME” and he goes “Maybe I’m bored, maybe lonely or maybe I like you. Maybe because I think you are fun girl so I want to be a friend?”
That means, whenever He thinks I’m not fun anymore, whenever He’s not bored, Maybe he goes like “Hey Xmas I’m getting married tomorrow, I can’t hang with you anymore, bye” He will leave me. No matter how I feel, he’s leaving. because He wants to.
I don’t want to give me a chance to fall deep again and collapse like crazy, like I did it last time. I thought that if I meet him less, if I message him less would help? no.. guess it’s too late!
Then I thought, if it’s too late.. what can be done for minimising mental collapsing..
Then I thought, Why I was collapsed so bad, when the previous one left me
ugh, Long story short, I always looked for someone who I can rely on, always looked for someone I can whining about life, always looked for someone who I can belong to so I can feel secure. but the first and foremost, I just didn’t want to be alone.
Because I was, whole last 20 years. I was always alone when I was little, chose to be alone when I was teenager since I heard girls, talking about my mum changing her boyfriend like every month, I.. I pretended ok, pretended stronger than them and pretended don’t give a damn about it but I was very very very very very upset to be honest. You may think it’s lame to be a working lady. However, compare to what I heard from people, talk behind of me about my family is much much much much lame because I chose to be a working lady, though, My family thing wasn’t my choice or my fault.. right? why people treat me differently because my mum cheat, and my dad left 🙁 man this is still upsetting me! it’s unfair because the people who talked about me and my stuff don’t even remember what they did and I’m still struggling from this 씨발..ㅎㅎ눈물 좀 닦고.
Anyway, whether I chose to be alone, or people (include my mum and dad) left me, I was always alone and thought I need someone to compensate this. If only I can make some excuses. (maybe I was just born like needy AF, who knows) Never wanted a big group of friends but boy friend. I wanted to be lovedALL THE TIME.
So then… it made me feel like,
- Maybe He doesn’t love me as much as before when I didn’t fuck him yet.
- Why I love him this much but he gave me back not even half of it?
- He does’t seem to love me anymore
- Why am I the only one who loves, not YOU
- HOW DARE YOU, DON’T YOU LOVE ME
How many times I made mistake to realise this? I mean… How many times I fucked up my relationships because I care too much about … the “sense of belonging” or, the “feeling of be loved”. It wouldn’t have happened, if I realise a bit earlier 🙁 but well, maybe some people never realise!
OK, so… back to the topic.. (I scrolled up, had a look, forgot what I was talking about)
the question was, what can be done for minimising mental collapsing.. (imagining vitamin is getting married tomorrow)
Number one. Admit the fact that the guys, are not be able to fill the lack of “sense of belonging”, or “feeling of be loved”
then what actually helps to fill up my damn flaws?
well, thinking about the time once I was crazy about BJJ, I never thought that life is tragic, life sucks because the ecstacy of winning was big, the joy of sweating together with healthy people was huge.. I was so busy at either training, or watching youtube video about BJJ. Everyone who I met that time, told me I look so much healthier, and happier than ever. The achievement, it could be my toned body, could be my skills, the achievement!!! Make a goal so I can chase it, keep doing little things so it eventually make difference, draw a big picture!!!!! You live only once, have fun as much as you can but don’t harm people, …
Isn’t blogging amazing? Like.. you sometimes fall deep shit and think think think and think again and eventually you are tired of thinking and like “whatever”.
The joy of blogging is this. You can tidy up your messy inside of your head, so you are less chaos now.
So yeah keep it up, remind I am not the only one who’s suffering, don’t be a weak pussy, admit that no one is perfect so I don’t have to fix all my problems but would be better if i improve it even a little,…
Wait. So what was the question again?
do my best with the things I have now.
I’ll be fine after all.
No matter what was the question 🤷🏻♀️
And stop asking to myself
Maybe that’s easier and quicker
Finished! I finished it again