They celebrate and they grief

The instructor didn’t come his BJJ class tonight. His mum passed away this early evening, that’s why.

I often told to him like

“Hey, we should hang sometimes”

Like half seriously, half joke, and He was always like “Why would you do that to me?”   Once we made “a treaty” that We could go out for a date, If he quit drink for a month, and I quit smoking for a month. We both of course failed and date thing never happened, though, He once bought me a 빙수 because He had to apologise me somehow, and I guess that’s our first and last cute date. ☺️ I don’t date a guy who drinks. I mean the guy who drinks 7 days a week.

He was the strongest person ever I’ve met in my life, body-wise, and mind-wise. He has a really hulk-ish body even though He drinks a lot, He never skipped his work-out routine even though He has very bad hang over, sick, whatsover happened last night. Maybe I was really little bit keen on him like.. little bit. I know He also secretly contracted his chest muscle Whenever I touched his and goes

“우와~ 우와…!! 우와….” 

Anyway, When I visited him He was already knocked down from wailing. His face was swollen, his voice came out in a hoarse, and He kept crying. He sobbed convulsively. His shoulder was up and down and He cried, cried and kept crying. Didn’t make any noise like when I’m crying, but He was silently whimpering.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Because it was first time to confront someone’s death, for me. I went to funeral once, in my life, When my dad’s dad passed away. I was only about 5-6 years old and the only thing I remember is food.. it’s funny because Korean eat special dish when someone is gone.

육개장

I don’t have many friends anyway and their parents are all being well. so do my parents. When my grandma passed away, my dad sent me a kakao-talk, said remotely

“your granny passed away last night. I’m alone, now”

I couldn’t feel anything to be honest, because I haven’t seen my dad’s mum for a decade anyway.  I.. I don’t remember what I said to my dad but I guess I replied remotely as well, like

“cheer up dad”

Lucky my mum’s mum is still being OK, I’ve never seen my mum’s dad since he passed away before I was born. No need to say, it’s going to be very very very very painful, to send someone, so you never going to see them again until you die.

Imagine I was that sick when I just broke up with my ex, I thought the world has ended and I’m going to die too. I keep saying that I still don’t like what my parents did but I am just not able to imagine my life with out my parents. I don’t call or message them often, sometimes ignore their phone call or kakao talk, many times I reply like “ok”, “yes/no” and “ㅋㅋ”. It’s already almost, life without them but maybe I am too selfish, I DO NOT WANT THEM LEAVE ME, I can’t just think of my life without them. I’d kill myself too because it’s just unbearable.

Lucky I went instructor’s place with some seniors who has already been through that moment, they were calm and they brought a lots of Soju. They didn’t talk much but drank together. While he was keep weeping uncontrollably. I patted his back few times and almost told him “cheer up hey” but I didn’t say it. I just didn’t feel to say it.. It would be just ok, if I pat his back, I don’t have to say some words unnecessarily.

It’s total upset! because for me, he is strong, persist, sometimes stubborn instructor. Once I cried after some spars at gym, because I couldn’t beat anyone even though I’ve got 2 stripes already, and my competition was few days later. I was overwhelmed, nervous and discouraged. He said “You are definitely improved, done well, stop crying, go home and sleep.” It’s bullshit if I didn’t expect very warm and nice words from him, because that’s what guys do.. when girl is crying, right? ㅋㅋ Even though he kept cool and told me stop, I cried a lot more after because you know.. the most strict teacher says “well done” then you are really done-well…. it’s approval .. anyway.. It’s upset to watch someone, who I believe strong, is weaken by somewhat. like my dad, like this instructor.

It’s funny. This Saturday I need to attend a first-bday-party (I don’t know how you call it in English), the parents, they booked “Cruiser” …. I guess I need to prepare queasy pills.

monet20120127-050.jpg

People are born, to be dead.

They celebrate and they grief.

Everything seems, all of sudden, a futile attempt… .. -.-…..

but, this was not the story I was going to talk about today by the way… I’ll have a quick shower and will be back shortly!

 

Comments 2

  1. Anonymous 23/08/2017

    A post with some heavy themes Chelsea. His mum had just died. Few things that happen to you are as bad as that. Grief is natural, he is not less strong for expressing it. And he is probably reasonably young so it would be a huge shock to him. I can’t answer the mystery or meaning of life for you. You are only 29. Maybe things become clearer with more experience. As I said before – it might have been as ‘Carabeen’ – we blokes don’t usually think too much about the heavy themes that you raise. We are more simple folk than females I think, so it is often hard to answer.

  2. big country 23/08/2017

    A post with some heavy themes Chelsea. His mum had just died. Few things that happen to you are as bad as that. Grief is natural, he is not less strong for expressing it. And he is probably reasonably young so it would be a huge shock to him. I can’t answer the mystery or meaning of life for you. You are only 29. Maybe things become clearer with more experience. As I said before – it might have been as ‘Carabeen’ – we blokes don’t usually think too much about the heavy themes that you raise. We are more simple folk than females I think, so it is often hard to answer.

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