Random thoughts

How I valued myself a way lower than I deserve.

I tried to prove myself through the guy who I’m in relationship with, who I chose to love. Always, I wanted to escape through the one who I’m with, Whenever I thought my value hits the deepest bottom part of my life, whenever I felt I’m like worthless shit.

I loved my ex boyfriends but I didn’t like them. I didn’t like them enough to bring them into my life and take care of them. At last I was trembling from the fear that if they don’t love me like I do.. 

I was afraid they eventually run away from me because I often hate myself, so why not others hate me, I didn’t want them to hate me and so leave me thus I chose to leave them earlier. I looked always further out and couldn’t bear long enough time that we were together. I felt like my snowflake self esteem turns rocket high by Nice cool guy’s flower deliveries, fancy restaurants and sweet talks. Felt like giving middle finger to my chaotic 20’s lifetime and say 

“Fuck you loneliness, I’m settling down!!”

Anyway, my existence shouldn’t be defined by others. 


Furthermore, I found most of my issues and problems, I finally and properly got to confront(closer) to them and had chance to think about It deeply. It’s mad.

It’s true that my 20’s was quite extra ordinary, I almost ended up ticking all my bucket lists. My earlier (teenager’s) dreams almost have come true. 

I am OK to finish my life, but I am also curious what’s gonna happen in the future. 


Did i secretly wish to be Cinderella? I failed my previous relationships , then I realised it that fairytale is “their” bullshit, not my dream.

Because, “Men” can’t save women’s life from the beginning.


Seoul is where I was born, raised up, and where I lived more than 20 years.

I was rather a daughter of my mum and dad, a student of art school, a spoilt one of single parent family, a girl who spent more than enough time and money to enter her dream uni but at last failed, but in Sydney, she seems more than ok somehow, no one knows what she exactly does but who cares?

After my parents’ divorce, bitches’ outcasting, when I failed uni and when I worked at where I got exploited, I always thought

“I want to move” to somewhere, where no one knows me, so I can start ‘Ms no-one’ life.

How fun? Feeling that your new life, from somewhere you never been, and people don’t know you.


People in Sydney didn’t care much until I start talking about myself, they were more curious about what I studied than what school I went to, then.. possibly tattoo? Questions such as.. Where, or who did you get those Tatts from?… Tatts were totally on purpose, when you think about it, what if people ask me why I’m like this? Isn’t it much better to answer more practical questions than talking deep shit naked? ㅎㅎㅎ FYI I got most of my skin arts from Mimi, He’s not in Sydney anymore. Once I had argue with him so I was like fuck it I’m gonna get from other than only you@@@!!! And I got turban shell in my forewrist, and now I’m like

“I want to cut this(turban shell) out so bad”

Firstly, it’s so bad quality, lucky it wasn’t that hurt, if it was I’d be more upset about it.

Anyway, people constantly find out my ‘deficiency’ or ‘lonesomeness’ they even worry about me. They never even know whether I exist or I’m like fake persona on Internet.

Moderate amount of curiosity is grounds of warm-heart-ness. If it’s slightly more than that we call it as stalking. But I’m always thank you for stalking me


Sex is, the body related behaviour to give or receive pleasure to each other whom in love. You use your well groomed weapon, which is very clandestine, private and very important your body part. You and your partner will use those very confidential body parts so you should be very careful esp you will want to avoid to make your partner feel awkward and repugnant. It helps increase intimacy between human and human by understanding other’s feeling very carefully while you’re fucking.


Refusal and rejection are fine. It’s ok to be dumped. If there’s winner and loser in any kind of relationship, the winner is who doesn’t desperate about existence of its relationship but tries his/her the best for itself. Fuck you English how can I write better?


It’s unfair people categorise women’s tits size but there’s such no men’s size category. 

What about 

-Type A 1-5 inches length

-Type B 5-10 inches length

-Type C 10-??? Inches length

Or more specific

-Yellow 49mm condom fits

-Pink 54mm condom fits

-Green 60mm condom fits

Or more specific

 

So when girls talking about their boys, they can say 

Convo 1

 “I love him, but he’s only like Yellow A”

 “Awww 🙁 poor thing”

Convo 2

 “How was it?”

 “He’s like total scum, but also full green, Type Z”

 “You shut up then”

Convo 3

 “Hi miss, anything I can help with today?”

 “mm.. I’m looking for my boyfriend’s underwear, He’s size is slightly bigger than B but not Fully C, and more likely Green when he has like fully boner”

 “Say no more girl”

 

FYI, I’m 75A

Comments 9

  1. Targayayuka 21/11/2017

    I was going to say yellow cos $50 note then green for $100 note but they’re both already taken.
    Red? As in danger! Girthy!

  2. Negan 23/11/2017

    “I failed my previous relationship, then I realised it that fairytale is “their” bullshit, not my dream….”
    Are you saying that you don’t want to be in a committed long-term relationship because that is what everyone does, and it’s bullshit – there is no such thing as a ‘long-term committed relationship’?
    “Because, “Men” can’t save women’s life from the beginning.”
    Not sure what you’re trying to say here. Women are not to be saved? Some women cannot be saved?
    “….the winner is who doesn’t desperate about existence of its relationship but tries his/her the best for itself. Fuck you English how can I write better?”
    Did you mean that the ‘winner is someone who does their best to be the best person they can be and put an effort in the relationship, and if the relationship doesn’t work out or comes to an end then that’s it/fine – there are no losers?

    • Zmas@ymas.com 23/11/2017

      Hmmm… i saw some guys think that they save girls’ life by going out with them. so i thought maybe, one day a prince with white horse (prince charming) could save my life, but now i think that “prince charming fairy tale” is made by men not women
      Do you get it? Or does it make less sense now? :/
      Second one you got my point

      • Negan 23/11/2017

        Ok. Maybe that is true and one way to look at it, but another way is that maybe a guy can accept the flaws of the girl and decides to stay with her anyway because her qualities outweighs her flaws, and not because he wants to "fix" or "save" her. We all have flaws (some more than others admittedly). But I think she just needs to wake up to the fact that he loves her just the way she is right then & there or want to be with her because who she is then. If she grows and becomes a "better" person, bonus for him, but I’ll be that he’ll be happy just the way things are. But part of being in a relationship is that both individuals grow one way or another.
        A potential problem only arises when she fails to see that (he loves her the way she is) or if she becomes a "bad person"/develops further flaws, and fails to rely on or seek support available to her from the guy. Or even communicate with the guy when things aren’t going so good.
        You mentioned a guy who you are seeing and getting into a relationship with in your earlier blog post. You also mentioned that he knows about your past, that he "seems different" and you have some doubts as to why he wants to be with to you.
        What happened/is going on there?
        Maybe he is the guy that I am talking about?
        You also mentioned you "hate yourself" and that you break up with guys because you fear that they will hate you then break up with you.
        Don’t push this guy away assuming he’s still around – maybe he’s not trying save or fix you, but loves you just the way you are. You will likely regret it.
        Like you said, they are no "losers" if you give it a try. So put the effort in, be the best person you can be (and don’t let your self-loathing or doubt and maybe cynicism get in the way) and endure & work through the tough times (which there no doubt will be). It might or might not work out.
        You might think you have a lot issues/problems, and that you are trying to power through it all. But it doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.
        There are no fairytales, but if that does work out – it’ll be pretty close to it.
        So if you’re still unsure about that guy, ignore the doubt and go for it. Take the plunge. What have you got to lose? #yolo

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