The ultimate- series.

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I didn’t blog for a while (again) because I at some point felt like all this act which I write to share my own thoughts (maybe to get sympathies from readers who I don’t know well or I never even met) is not fun like before. or maybe I was just too busy at doing course. I don’t know Related image

Instead, I published my own little tiny magazine and gave to people I’m appreciate of.

 

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with my Internet press I make my blog(or any other social media) persona or people over/under estimate me as something else. It is still possible though, to recognise me as me myself yet it’s rare because I spent a lots of time to plan and organise for writing. My blogs still look very chaotic but imagine it’s processed chaos, my brain is chaos-er than this. like Spam is a can of unhealthy processed meat but it’s tasty when it’s well cooked and so.

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Speaking of spam it’s been a while I have been experimenting a life of vegan. I started very strictly no-dairy no-eggs, collided with some mineral deficiencies especially Iron, Calcium and Vitamin B, never knew that I am allergic to zucchini but I am, (over 20 years It was one of my favourite veggie) well now I’m like vegan whenever I feel like, I had a lots of cheese last weekend and donuts from short.stop. I still am trying not to eat red meat but I start to take supplements, like so my body feel pretty much same, people ask me why all of sudden vegan if it feels same.

Hmm… why not?

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30 years I had normal meals and I’m sick of normal meals, so why not try dairy-free, gluten-free for next 30 years? if it doesn’t bother me much then worth to explore I feel.

Back to topic: there would be instant feedback too in happy snoopy internet world. There are not many “like” here my blog but I can always observe people’s reaction. How long you’ve spent time on reading, How many articles you’ve clicked, where you all come from (references) and whether you click my Instagram account down there or not. such high-tech, I know! I pay for this service.

WordPress $33 /Month about a dollar a day.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am dependent on readers to validate myself existence, (I was 200% though) but deep inside secretly I’m still seeking someone who’s really engaging, giving attention, participating on/in/to me, my thoughts, my life, and ultimately myself. Like other little girls, upload their selfies, booties and boobies, wait until  someone replies/likes and says

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not mine

Only difference is that I don’t post as many nude selfies as before but more thoughts and expressions. I still want to make sure that I’m being OK by begging peep’s passive supports. I see people keep visiting here even though I don’t write very often. By typing exact address than through google search or other links. Then I sense, hmm.. they like my blog – why like my blog – because they think(feel) similar to me – I’m not alone@!

or maybe only because there always are random nudes in cutebutpsycho.net

Anyway, I’ve been thinking that being single isn’t that bad for an year by now, but maybe secretly I was seeking something to compensate this isolated, disconnected and scattered sense towards to myself and I assume it was blogging. there was more fun to get attention by many than by one but now what I feel both boring. don’t get me wrong, I would still post my tits some times, but I mean not much motivation to do it like before.

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Went to bushwalking on rainy day. amazing experience!@

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Define my identity from the mass isn’t very fond conduct. although I thought it’s quite accurate because when there are 10 people and 9 people like chai-latte other than pumpkin spicy latte than doesn’t it mean that chai-latte is more likely like-able? I surprised that pumpkin spicy latte is a thing in many other countries. likewise, I have only selected readers. but again, I’ll never stop writing, it’s so therapeutic it’s not scientifically proven but my 30 years of research shows that it is. There was just little subtle shift : 1. An attitude, 2. A medium of manifest. and I like it

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thoughts

I enjoy the combination of Midori note (MD) + uniball 0.38. I like the sound when I write, I like the way it makes residue(?), It needs few seconds to dry well and not smudged, but before that my letters still has ink on it. I like that visual it’s nice to see.

I finished 2 MDs in Bali, It’s therapeutic but I hardly read it over again again and again, maybe some notes I lost, I don’t even know that I lost. Uncountable MDs, before MD there was moleskins but I don’t like hard cover.

Thesedays people can write on their MacBook, table or even phone but I still write just because I like that feeling. How inconsiderate.

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Bali thoughts on 2 MDs.

One of amazing thing about Bali was that they try not to use disposal stuffs such as plastic cups, cutlery, straws etc. Can’t say it’s about Bali but at least Ubud and Canggu. My first impression about this was very positive, why Korea and Australia can’t do it if Indonesia can? So I bought some wooden-made cutlery sets(it comes with its own case and very cute!) for my friends, bamboo straws for me and it got me think, is it really better?

Plastic straws (we all know plastic never never decay) vs Bamboo straws (you need to cut bamboo trees first, it needs to be manufactured as well as plastic, and you will also need to use cleaning material to wash it out)

I don’t die anyway because I don’t use straws, but this is serious question. There were some moments that I could never avoid, I didn’t mean to but I have consumed so many nappies, pens, paper, condoms, and even tampons… such these things I spent unconciously through whole my life time. My previous work offers complimentary drinks and snacks to customers and they use Styrofoam(EPS) cups. Polyethylene(PE) maybe? I’m now confused, it’s plastic and disposal anyway. I always told staffs that let’s minimise disposal cups usage because we anyway consume a lots of other things too such as water, tissues(you’ll be surprised if you know how much they spend a day), condoms and 24/7 heater when it’s winter, 24/7 when it’s summer. I never paid those stuffs but just ethically, can we do it.

No one ever listened to me. They even used new cup as ashtray even though there’s proper ashtray but you need to move your ass out to get it.

I’m not saying that I’m like SAVE EARTH nazi, I smoke, I eat meat, I purchase coffee without bringing my own cup sometimes. Think about yogi(ni)s who do vegan to make better earth. What about their be loved Avocados, almonds, … and Xmas pudding.

What about Bikram yoga, What makes yoga studio hot? I recently joined new Yoga place, It’s called humming puppy. It’s really unique. I lived in Marrickville for a while, it was top floor of old unit. Whenever a plane were passing low overhead, just over my head, my unit was shook like crazy. I’m not joking, was shook like so,

This kind of buzz

If you know that shaky sensation, or if you ever sat near engine on your flight you hear (or feel) zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzz zzzzzz kinda vibration + white noises. They (humming puppy) simulate this tremor in their studio. There must be a reason for this. I guess it’s same reason why we ommmmmm(or au-oo-mm) to start/finish class. However I’m back to bodymindlife because I like yoga from fitness perspective rather than sacred, spiritual attitude. I like to challenge, sweat, and get sore body after all rather than find inner-peace of my mind and calm. I’d rather have meditation class separately but let me sweat when I’m doing Yoga. (Actually yoga itself is including breathing+poses+meditation and we talk about it more later) I like Christian ralston’s class because he plays nice music(Seminyak beach club kinda- music, relaxed but groovy at the same time), and Azra’s, for beginners class.

Back to topic, Think about Bikram(hot) yoga, artificially heated rooms and encouraging people to drink kombucha or coconut juice than Coke Zero or vodka.


I get turned on when artsy people (I wouldn’t say artist) look at me as an object they made, like their well-made art works. They are satisfied at the same time they are in love with what they made with their own hands. Think about all the tattoo artist, hair designer, and yoga instructor! Because they are confident, they love what they do, and proud of themselves or what they made. It’s just too sexy to think about it.


Back to topic again, what is topic by the way? … Korean often say

“그 정성으로 공부를 했으면…”

literally translated

“If you’d have studied with this effort(time/energy)…”

For instance let’s say Chelsea is big fangirl of Jason momoa, She spends most of the time looking up Jason’s pictures on internet and buying fan merchandises from eBay. It’s her only joy and passion. She’s even been to Hawaii only because It’s Jason’s motherland but Jason momoa never know Chelsea’s existence.

In this case my parents or all acquaintances would’ve said

“If you’d have studied with this effort(time/energy)…” and It implies, “you’d have been better person… “

I saw so many temples in Bali. Like MANY. It seems like there are more temples in Bali than Churches in Seoul, Korea.  Maybe not I don’t know

Every temples was decorated by magnificently engraved stones and carved woods. It seems like the person whoever made all these art works would’ve spent all their lifetime to finish it. Think about their Effort, time, energy and passion. Have you even ever carved soap though, It’s mad. It’s mad because there’s no un-do option. Once you fucked it up, you’re fucked up. You either start new, or give up. Carving soap isn’t even easy then Stones? woods?

On the contrary, Many roads in Bali need to be fixed, they don’t need masterpiece but just you know.. more road signs, traffic lights, stuffs like that. Maybe little more regulation for this. Not only this kind of superficial things, the gap between rich and poor is massive there, Korea has same problem but they discuss now for free school lunch whereas some Bali kids don’t even have opportunity to go school.

What if, they(the older generation) spent more time on study than make magnificent looking temples. What if they spent more effort to build more institutes than make magnificent looking temples and statues. What if there are more Institutes for more teachers, more teachers for more kids so everyone at least can learn something rather than be prayer, who prays to God whole life as well as starving whole their life. What if there are more taxations, Doctors, Lawyers, and Teachers than taxi drivers and massage therapists.

Korean has been developing like rocket, after 6-70’s If I can compare, have more schools, hospitals and departments stores but do they happy? I personally spend more than 10K to just maintain my body. Join gym, get a trainer, get an organic supplements, and so on..(Social) Media chokes me to make me feel like I MUST be better person tomorrow, or next year, or 10 years later. I failed study hard so I failed to get a good job. Decent job, work hard, in order to pay nice car, nice house, bag and shoes. so I need compensate this, so I groom well in order to show off people that I’m being well. or maybe I just enjoy being fit.. not quite sure.

Think about it

Engrave stone statues whole their life time, no fucks are given about future, saving money, career but I’m happy because God bless me

vs

Study hard, get a good job, work hard whole their life time, fame, money, pay this and that and now I’m old. What I was so enthusiastic for?

or maybe

in between somewhere, try not to be too superficial, try not to be too naive. All individuals have their own criteria for happiness, The most important thing is not to forget this gratitude, gratitude to everyone and everything that made me here, now thinking about this all bullshit things out of nowhere

 

 

5th day of being unemployed

It’s humid and hot here (compare to Sydney it’s not too bad honestly) so drink tones of water, juice, coffee, smoothy whatever it is, drop by so many cafes to just use toilet, or charge my phone. Didn’t bring phone charger lololollolol

Life seems easier if you believe something strongly. Have been reading about hinduism little bit since local people in Ubud they do interesting things such as wearing bandana-look alike hat instead of helmet (called u-deng or something) banana leaves altar everywhere, pray in cute way (like splash water with stick that looks like from fairytale, put flowers and sweets on altar) I may never understand what they do or I don’t want to wear that weird hat (just not my cup of tea, and also it’s for men) but they look happier than me. I always feel like something is chasing me, anxiety attack out of nowhere, useless solicitude, fear about uncertain future but people in ubud are too nice and has such idgf attitude (you can easily feel from their driving style) which i love. I care too much about everything.

Is this because they think

God will do something and we just follow him/her!

So if any good thing happens they would be like hell yeah it’s because i pray everyday and if any bad thing happens they would be like it’s punishment, i’ll pray harder and it’ll get better.

Something like that? The unknown world… religions!

And also have read some about relationship between hindi and yoga. It’s… it’s uncomfortable. It took a month i copy instructor’s ommmmmm- . I do well now though, it sounded like an heretical incantation for noob yogi 🙁 now i do well because i like that feeling, when you fully exhale (more likely squeeze all air out from your lung) so you can breath fresh new oxygen in.

I can finally do head stand yet perfect, first day in Ubud I succeed at once and i was like hell yeah is this because i’m in Ubud!!!!! And second day i never succeed 😭 (tried over 100 times after fell fell and fell again) and i was like why though, whyyyy i did well yesterday!!!!!

Thought about reasons,

1. Pants

Success day : i wore skins’ A400

Fail day : i wore Hawaiian trunk

2. Instructor

Success day : He plays guitar at the end of the class and it’s so relaxing

Fail day : He sings hindi song (he’s white tho) and i’m scared, it must not but sounded like cursing spell. he’s hair style is like full mohawk as well.

3. Success day was just one lucky day.

But I do ok after 3rd day. I wear swimmer, sometimes i wear nothing and without teacher i can do alone. Maybe 2nd day i was just tired.

We should aware this whole industry is designated to make people addicted. It’s worse than gamble or drugs. It feels good when you win big or high but it feels better when you achieve something you’ve been trying hard.

Headstand, hands-stand, crow pose dancer pose any poses that look cool but people normally can’t do in a day.

You could, train yourself in your place without any tools(mat, blocks and straps etc) or cloths. But tell me who does that?

Look how much they make, lululemon, manduka, any yoga teacher training centre, it’s all about money but yeah i’m one of those who’s addicted so bad.

Who ever forced me to inhale and exhale after i’m like 5? Whole my life i thought that

big breath=sigh

Sigh=showing/revealing my anxiety/worry

Showing my anxiety = showing my very intimate part

Showing my very deep inside = people can attack me easy

So I never sigh-ed in front of people. Then I learnt how to breath deeply for the first time ever in casual yoga class.

Who ever forced me to close my eyes and feel my eyes, nose, lips and any other parts of my body ever since I was born? It’s like official nap time in kindergarten when you’re 5. After long stressful day, hot sweaty session, you have 10 minutes forced meditation time and i’ve seen many people fall asleep in that 10mins.

Anyway, it’s 5th day and tomorrow is 6th day of being unemployed. I never understood why people like to be floated on swimming pool, you know it looks boring right

I did that 2 hours today and i am burnt out so bad. It’s so relaxing i never know, like i never know too how good doing nothing is.

I wrote this shit blog with my iphone (did not bring macbook! Also phone charger) so my eye balls are about to pop 👁 ✨😭. Sorry if there were so many grammatical mistakes (as usual though) i can’t be fucked to edit it now so i’ll do when i’m back (maybe never ㅎㅎ) but yeah 2 things !

Religions

Capitalism

Casual yoga place in ubud

What yoga has done to me

I personally am so dumb sometimes, forget how to big breath unless someone asks me “do you breath?” or instructs me inhale, exhale.

The power of breathing is however, amazing. It could help to get rid of unnecessary feelings,  such as being greedy to get more attention, complaining that I’m lonely, showing off that I’m happy,… Plus I less waste my time, energy and emotion for trivial argument,  I less hold my feelings I express as much as I can in very moment and don’t make any residue because it could rotten and possibly becomes a worse. Big breath in….. and think that this will pass too.

I hate to park in mega shopping mall because 99% of chance I lost my car. I forget where I parked so I record a video sometimes, send to my friends and realised there are 2 different types of people.

Someone who hardly get lost in shopping mall they would see what’s in that level. Observe what you see from where they park to entry of mall, remember the car park name or colour if they can.

The people who lost often (include me) they do this too. I often think

“ok I parked purple area. Let’s not forget it’s purple level, I parked purple level. “

After a while, finish shopping, They often don’t believe in themselves much. I keep doubting myself if I’m right even though I’m right. So I turn to other way even though I was right.

“Did i really park on Purple level? It might be blue…last time I’m sure i parked purple and I’m like confused now, let’s go blue!”

The funny thing is, They believe in themselves too much sometimes. They trust their strong intuition even though it’s false memory.

“I know I parked in Blue level today. so It must be here. if not I’ll kill myself.”

They also are most likely over-thinker. They were thinking to buy air freshener @coles while they were driving. While looking for a parking spot, found there’s a car which is quite big range rover parked in ‘small vehicle only’ zone. Got upset, think of the time I have to walk more because of this BIG CAR. But what it feels like to have huge car… will I ever be able to have huge car? will I ever be able to have children to carry with this big car? how many kids then, not even sure it’s possible to find someone who understands me, and get married? can anyone even understands others by the way? I don’t even understand me sometimes but how others could understand me?… … but would I be the one who to pick up my kids or my hubby???? thoughts over another thoughts then I’m already @coles and putting maxybon in my basket, don’t even remember why I’m at coles.

but why? I? did? write? this?

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Back to the topic, Yoga is all about dedication, concentration to situation that what you confront of. Like BJJ, (I couldn’t even finish this article fml) wait, then any type of exercises would possibly help you to get rid of stress, anxiety.. right? like Gym, Soccer (I’ve never played either watched), Ocean swim (because pool swim is boring) …

I remember Tony asked me once if I play/do any sports.  I said yes I go gym and I do yoga. He said no yoga and gym are called sport. but.. BJJ is sport. But yoga isn’t. You need to compete against someone so that means there’s win or lose that’s called sport.

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Yoga is more likely competing to yourself. but there’s no losing but I learn/improve instead. Why always have to be better than others? If there’s same orgasmic feeling, as when you win someone, Then you notice.. there’s such a no great fuss in the cosmos. You don’t just give a single damn about anything other than yourself, like to be exact, let it go. Nothing is crazy, if you can’t take it right now, take it easy, give more a go. Time helps.

Remember I was the one who complains that yoga requires too much spiritual effort so I don’t like it but this spiritual, nonmaterial Ommmmmmmmm thing really changes my point of view. or I’m maybe a year older than last year’s me so I may be just changed whether I started yoga, or not. It’s just so fun and I wanted to let you know all because no-one told me this thing before I was like

Yoga? boring fuck!

and also, I think sharing good thing is such a good thing.

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Give a go, if you don’t have time to attend classes, try to breath big, until your lung full from bottom to top, and try to empty all but slowly and repeat few times.

Yeah, I made ‘yoga’ category lololol

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